So guess what I found?  A Hello Kitty dog toy!  And Lily loves it. :)

i still love this idea

god i'm fucking bored.

so i'm like sick over this whole thing, but i'm distracting myself by buring cds... i LOVE it. i never had a computer that could do it before! i heart soulseek! (i'm soo behind the times on all this. that and text messaging. i'm terribly slow. i think i'm getting too old, ha!) I have rhapsody too, just for the convinence of playing whatever i want really quickly, but getting free music is awesome!

tommy's sister is pregnant and i'm like freaking out right now. she's 17, which considering everything is not THAT young, but it's bigger than that. sooo complicated. tommy was crying on the phone like crazy, and i know he doesn't want to do that around me. he had just told me earlier in the day that he didn't want me to come to his cousin's funeral because he didn't want me to see him cry. she's 5 months, and he wanted me to find out about an abortion. i really didn't want to go into the whole trimester thing at the time. i just can't believe it, and i just feel so bad for tommy because so much fucked up stuff has happened in his life lately. i don't know what to do to make it better.

today i am 24. that seems way too old to me for where i am in my life. i'm thinking back to my 21st birthday, which i spent in bed after work(?) i think. depressed and not on meds at that point, i believe. but then here i am now, and is anything that much better? i mean really? ok, yes, it's better. point by point, it's better. but overall is it better?

okay, i thought i wanted to deal with this, but i guess i really don't right now. maybe i'll write more later.

i kinda think i might be getting sick again. i get withdrawls at 6pm. some of the time i can't stand to see people happy. i feel... it's all too retarded to explain. it's like all the sudden my body chemistry shifted. waaaaah. and i can't tell my mom any of this cause then she'll ask me 20x per day "are you feeling ok?" and then she'll tell me to go to bed at like 9 every night and not do this or that... but... i think i'm going downhill, and i guess i never expected that to happen.

friday was crazy. i drove around the city w/ tommy, his sister, and their friend. his friend who was giving directions from the back seat didn't know left from right. so all i hear is "go that way!" so i'm like "WHICH FUCKING THAT WAY? LEFT THAT WAY, OR RIGHT THAT WAY???" i used alot of gas.

i really really really <3 tommy. like too much. like i don't want to like him this much much. cause we're just from such different worlds i always have this fear of everything falling apart.

this is really sad:  when i saw the following sentence in my "New on The Revealer: A Daily Review of Religion & The Press*" email

2. Amy Sullivan says the press can't hear Hillary talk about God

I immediatly thought about hillary DUFF.  i've been spending waaaaay too much time reading celebrity gossip.

btw, it's CLINTON

 

*agnostic sociology of religion major at one time, not religious fanatic

miss lil's bday is august 15, so she's almost 2. she has turned soooo bad!! ...terrible twos for dogs, i guess.

another interesting thing about tommy: when he came over to my house for the first time, and we were making out on my bed, sans clothes of course, he says, "so, are we falling in love?" and i was very surprised. i mean, honestly... i wasn't really ready for that yet. but i didn't wanna be like "no" so i said "yeah *giggle* maybe." and he tells me he loves me a lot. and i've never been in a situation where i feel that someone has said that too early... but i mean, i'd rather that then not saying it at all, i guess...

okay, so the DC song "Cater 2 U" lyrics uninterrupted are in the entry below...  i'm posting them because apparently it is like the song in the 'hood (according to tommy).  and i mean, i guess of course it is.  this is the ideal attitude -- a woman that is completely submissive to her man. 

 

"Cater 2 U"

[Verse 1 Beyonce]
Baby I See You Working Hard

ok, working hard, whatever, that's cool .. it's just as the song goes on it seems that it's all 50's style with the man working and the woman at home getting ready for him all day.

I Want To Let You Know I'm Proud,
Let You Know That I Admire What You Do
Don't Know If I Need To Reassure You, My Life Would Be Purposeless Without You (Yeah)

!!!!!  purposeless???????  um, where are the spice girls with their girl power when we need them?!?

If I Want It (Got It)
When I Ask You (You Provide It)
You Inspire Me To Be Better
You Challenge Me For The Better
Sit Back And Let Me Pour Out My Love Letter

see, this is nice.  i want the person i'm with to inspire me and challenge me.  but... is it reciprocal?  i think the woman is just there to be quiet and look pretty.  not very challenging or inspiring in my book.

Let Me Help You
Take Off Your Shoes
Untie You Shoestrings
Take Off Your Cufflinks (Yeah)
What You Want To Eat Boo? (Yeah)
Let Me Feed You
Let Me Run Your Bathwater
Whatever You Desire, I'll Supply Ya
Sing You A Song
Turn The Game On
I'll Brush Your Hair
Help Put Your Do Rag On
Want A Foot Rub? (Yeah)
You Want A Manicure?
Baby I'm Yours I Want To Cater To You Boy

[Chorus]
Let Me Cater To You
Cause Baby This Is Your Day
Do Anything For My Man
Baby You Blow Me Away
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want Just Let Me Cater To You
Inspire Me From The Heart,
Can't Nothing Tear Us Apart
You're All That I Want In A Man;
I Put My Life In Your Hands
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want, I Want To Cater To You

not that i don't think you should be nice to your man but... i think this is supposed to be some daily shit. (i know it says "this is your day" later, but i think that's just cause it rhymes with away." :p )  hopefully, i have enough of my own life that i won't have to fill my time trying to figure out every single thing i could do for him.  (i'm so mean, i know)


[Verse 2 Kelly]
Baby I'm Happy You're Home,

because the woman ought to be at home waiting.  (and this seems to be general consensus with tommy and his friends.  girlfriends are to stay in the house if they are told to.  which they usually are.)

Let Me Hold You In My Arms
I Just Want To Take The Stress Away From You
Making Sure That I'm Doing My Part (Oh)

damn girl, if you're not sure if you're doing your part yet... i dunno what to do with you.

Boy Is There Something You Need Me To Do (Oh)
If You Want It (I Got It)
Say The Word (I Will Try It)
I Know Whatever I'm Not Fulfilling (Oh)
No Other Woman Is Willing (Oh)
I'm Going To Fulfill Your Mind, Body, And Spirit

I Promise You (Promise You)
I'll Keep Myself Up (Oh)
Remain The Same Chick (Yeah)
You Fell In Love With (Yeah)
I'll Keep It Tight, I'll Keep My Figure Right
I'll Keep My Hair Fixed, Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits

i'll hold my tongue here, because my problems here are too complicated to type out.  and i'm lazy.

When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I'll Roll Over

waaaa!  here i am, waiting in bed, of course.  but i bet if i came home late... i don't think it would be pretty.

Baby I Heard You, I'm Here To Serve You (I'm Lovin It, I'm Lovin It)
If It's Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy
All I Want To Do, Is Cater To You Boy

i think what bugs me so much is the whole "all i want to do" theme here.  catering to your man should not be all you want to do. 

[Chorus]

[Bridge Michelle]
I Want To Give You My Breath, My Strength, My Will To Be Here
That's The Least I Can Do,

least i can do!!!  i'm out of things to say.

Let Me Cater To You
Through The Good (Good)
The Bad (Through The Bad)
The Ups And Downs (Ups And Downs)
I'll Still Be Here For You
Let Me Cater To You
Cause You're Beautiful (You're Beautiful)
I Love The Way You Are (You Are)
Fulfill Your Every Desire (Desire)
Your Wish Is My Command (Command)

literally, apparently.

I Want To Cater To My Man
Your Heart (Your Heart)
So Pure Your Love Shines Through(Shines Through)
The Darkness We'll Get Through (So Much)
So Much Of Me Is You (Is You)
I Want To Cater To My Man

[Chorus Out]

sigh, sigh, sigh

 

the reason this song is bugging me so much (because it is, afterall, just a song) is because of tommy.  the girl in this song is tommy's ideal woman, i think.  and half of me likes to play along, but the other half... wants to fucking shoot him in the head.  god, there is so much i need to say about all this, but i dunno how to actually explain it.  let's see...

i'll admit it:  something about being told what to do turns me on.  trying to be good for somebody is really enjoyable for me.  but... the person has to know what they're doing.  because it's all a mental game, and mutual respect is the most important aspect.  i'm submissive.  and i've missed playing that game for so long, cause lord knows matt isn't into anything.  but what i need is a guy who knows what they're doing.  and i don't mean that they have to have been in some kind of sub/Dom relationship before.. they just have to understand that there are a lot of layers to the whole thing.  or be willing to understand.  and mainly: respect respect respect.  i'd go into detail, but now i'm all weirded out with the fear of sharing too much.  :x

so what's the problem here, how to explain?  let me be completely honest:

tommy has gender expectations that are set in stone.  i, on the other hand, will argue the existence of gender.  i am expected to be a certain way because i am a girl.  that sooo rubs me the wrong way.. usually.  with tommy i'll put up with it.  there's something i just.. really like about him.  but what if it's the novelty? i hate even writing that.  so moving on, i like to discuss things.  tommy has a pretty limited knowledge of things outside of basketball and rap.  i use "big" (according to him) words, which i'm not supposed to do.  i mean, i understand his stance there, because he doesn't want to feel like i'm throwing it in his face that i'm ..smarter (book smart probably).. than him. i always say something wrong in our conversations.  even if i try really hard not to upset him, i say something.. when i should just shut my mouth.  because i'm the girl.  and girls are supposed to be quiet..?  :/  it's complicated, and i'm totally not explaining anything.  so, what the fuck am i doing?

if i felt like tommy respected my intelligence more, i would be 100x more enthused about being his girl, and doing what he says.. because i really don't see this as forever.  (is that bad?)  all i need is the reassurance that he respects me, and i'm good to go on this little girl/daddy thing.  (that's my shit, man, lol)  i want to just go with it now.  and maybe i'm resisting because i don't think tommy gets what i want.  fuck, i can't even say what i want.  just respect my opinions, and provide me with a forum to discuss them.  i can't be quiet all the time.

oh.. and another thing.  i love people's minds.  i love to figure out how people think, and why they think what they think.  so i'll ask questions.  and tommy takes great offense to too many questions, because i think he feels it's me questioning his knowledge in general, or putting down his opinions.  NO!  i just want to know how you think, damnit.  i want inside his head so bad, but he has this wall.  if i disagree with any of his opinions it's like the fucking world is gonna end.  he takes it so personally.  and i just get this vibe that he's trying really hard to protect himself from me, to make sure i don't have a reason to think i'm better than him in any way, just because i can read and i go to school. (well, will go to school.. september! yay!) 

so...  that DC song drives me insane yet... i'm with somebody who believes whole heartedly in that situation.  it's gonna be an interesting summer.

"Cater 2 U"

[Verse 1 Beyonce]
Baby I See You Working Hard
I Want To Let You Know I'm Proud,
Let You Know That I Admire What You Do
Don't Know If I Need To Reassure You, My Life Would Be Purposeless Without You (Yeah)
If I Want It (Got It)
When I Ask You (You Provide It)
You Inspire Me To Be Better
You Challenge Me For The Better
Sit Back And Let Me Pour Out My Love Letter

Let Me Help You
Take Off Your Shoes
Untie You Shoestrings
Take Off Your Cufflinks (Yeah)
What You Want To Eat Boo? (Yeah)
Let Me Feed You
Let Me Run Your Bathwater
Whatever You Desire, I'll Supply Ya
Sing You A Song
Turn The Game On
I'll Brush Your Hair
Help Put Your Do Rag On
Want A Foot Rub? (Yeah)
You Want A Manicure?
Baby I'm Yours I Want To Cater To You Boy

[Chorus]
Let Me Cater To You
Cause Baby This Is Your Day
Do Anything For My Man
Baby You Blow Me Away
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want Just Let Me Cater To You
Inspire Me From The Heart,
Can't Nothing Tear Us Apart
You're All That I Want In A Man;
I Put My Life In Your Hands
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want, I Want To Cater To You

[Verse 2 Kelly]
Baby I'm Happy You're Home,
Let Me Hold You In My Arms
I Just Want To Take The Stress Away From You
Making Sure That I'm Doing My Part (Oh)
Boy Is There Something You Need Me To Do (Oh)
If You Want It (I Got It)
Say The Word (I Will Try It)
I Know Whatever I'm Not Fulfilling (Oh)
No Other Woman Is Willing (Oh)
I'm Going To Fulfill Your Mind, Body, And Spirit

I Promise You (Promise You)
I'll Keep Myself Up (Oh)
Remain The Same Chick (Yeah)
You Fell In Love With (Yeah)
I'll Keep It Tight, I'll Keep My Figure Right
I'll Keep My Hair Fixed, Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits
When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I'll Roll Over
Baby I Heard You, I'm Here To Serve You (I'm Lovin It, I'm Lovin It)
If It's Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy
All I Want To Do, Is Cater To You Boy

[Chorus]

[Bridge Michelle]
I Want To Give You My Breath, My Strength, My Will To Be Here
That's The Least I Can Do,
Let Me Cater To You
Through The Good (Good)
The Bad (Through The Bad)
The Ups And Downs (Ups And Downs)
I'll Still Be Here For You
Let Me Cater To You
Cause You're Beautiful (You're Beautiful)
I Love The Way You Are (You Are)
Fulfill Your Every Desire (Desire)
Your Wish Is My Command (Command)
I Want To Cater To My Man
Your Heart (Your Heart)
So Pure Your Love Shines Through(Shines Through)
The Darkness We'll Get Through (So Much)
So Much Of Me Is You (Is You)
I Want To Cater To My Man

[Chorus Out]

i'm gonna see josh on monday (with his family, so.. nothing is gonna happen. BUT) and i'm breaking out and i need to get waxed and i'm not gonna have a chance btwn now and then and i'm gonna feel like shit cause i'll feel like i look shitty PLUS we're driving home from indy on monday, so i will also be seeing him after spending 2 1/2 hours in the car. woohoo!

grr.  i'm being such a girl about this but... this is like the one person i totally don't want to look like shit in front of.  damnit!! :/

quick update cause maybe you'll read this before i talk to you (because i don't feel good):

went to movies (this kind where you eat real food while watching a movie... omfg STONER PARADISE but.. i don't think he smokes weed.) had a lot of fun, nice guy, 0 attraction seriously (but it wasn't supposed to be a blind date or anything anyway) but i really hope we can be friends because he's cool to talk to. so now i'm in this funny zone where i've never been before like "i hope he calls me" ... because ... i'm not calling him. what am i gonna say? hey, wanna drive over to my house, pick me up, and take me somewhere? lol. maybe when i learn to drive (which is going awesome btw) oh and he paid for everything. i was gonna say i was gonna split it all before we got there.. but then... it was like... wow, someone is paying for ME. with THEIR OWN MONEY. from a real JOB.  practically a first. so he paid for movie and food and opened the car door for me etc, all this weird stuff that guys are supposed to do and i'm supposed to be against but...  fuck, what the hell.

right now i'm feeling very alone. odd, because i talked on the phone for about 4 hours today between everyone, and i never ever talk to people that much. in person either. unless you're a special case... and i guess if you're not i wouldn't be talking to you anyway.

talking to him on the phone for so long makes me nervous.  i'm not used to doing that.  i just... opened up.  and i don't think it's because it's some soon to be romance, or even great friendship.  it's simply because of me.  i don't even know who i am anymore. 

who is this person who can talk to someone she doesn't know for three hours... and enjoy it?  i talked about me.  i talked about being bipolar.  i talked about school.  i talked about... lots of things.  i don't talk to people.  i'm so excited that i might have a friend here.  friendship usually terrifies me.  if this was 2 months ago, it would never be like this.  is this how it feels to be human?  to connect to people?  and is it starting with some guy who watches wrestling and wants to take me to ocean's 11? (i = movie snob.  sorry)  who works at menards (read: home depot) and has no interest in college?  gifts can come in strange packages.

i rarely feel lonely.  there was little room for people in my world.  people scared me. i could see their thoughts, all the awful things they thought about me.. knew about me.  invisibility was my greatest wish.  and now... right now i feel lonely.  and my body is all mixed up because i'm sad, but i'm happy to be sad in this new way.  this way that doesn't involve... just me.  depression is not sad.  depression is just black, one lump of awful feeling.  bipolar... it's either this or that.  take your pick from two things that want to destroy your life.  no... make your life unlivable.. then you destroy it.

please please please let me not feel down tomorrow when i go with him.  let me feel like i did on the phone, like what a regular person must feel like when they meet someone.  please please please don't let me be terrified and see what horrible things he thinks about me.  just let me be a person, and him be a person, and it to be some sort of normal because i haven't had normal for so long.

to my exception to all the rules:

michelle, i miss you like i never have before.  not because i like you better all of the sudden, or because i've been away for so long, but because i finally can.  there are so many things i didn't know i couldn't do.  i wish we were closer, because i feel like i'm ready to be a real friend.  i love you for understanding my emotional limits.  i've never ever in my whole life had a friend like you.  and it's not because we were together 24/7 or talked on the phone 24/7 or grew up together or were roommates or anything.  you were the first person ever that i felt even remotly emotionally safe around.  i didn't worry constantly that one day you would find out what a bad person i am and wonder why you were ever friends with me.  thank you for being that person.  my life would be so dark without you.

just kidding about updating today. but soon, soon!

ps... i cannot stand to type with nails on the laptop :((((((
pps... i think i'm going through weed withdrawl today. :P

yes, i have a pulse, i am alive. i just got back from a trip to california, and i was so happy to see Matt and Michelle. :) I'll update tomorrow.

i put the easy mac in the microwave without any water

i put a mask on my face without washing it 

This makes me so mad:

AUSTIN, Texas - The Texas Board of Education approved new health textbooks for the state's high school and middle school students Friday after the publishers agreed to change the wording to depict marriage as the union of a man and a woman.

The decision involves two of the biggest textbook publishers and represents another example of Texas exerting its market clout as the nation's second-largest buyer of textbooks. Officials say the decision could affect hundreds of thousands of books in Texas alone.

On Thursday, a board member charged that proposed new books ran counter to a Texas law banning the recognition of gay civil unions because the texts used terms like "married partners" instead of "husband and wife."

After hearing the debate Thursday, one publisher, Holt, Rinehart and Winston, agreed to include a definition of marriage as a "lifelong union between a husband and a wife." The definition, which was added to middle school textbooks, already was in Holt's high school editions, Holt spokesman Rick Blake said.

The other publisher, Glencoe/McGraw-Hill, changed phrases such as "when two people marry" and "partners" to "when a man and a woman marry" and "husbands and wives."

"The board expressed an interest in having us" make the change, Blake said. "We thought it was a reasonable thing to do."

But Blake said the publisher does not plan on adding its definition of marriage in books that will be sold outside Texas. A spokeswoman for Glencoe/McGraw-Hill did not immediately respond to questions.

A list of the books that were approved by the board, as well as those that were not, are sent to school districts for guidance when they choose books.

Board member Mary Helen Berlanga, a Democrat, asked the panel to approve the books without the changes, but her proposal was rejected on a 10-4 vote.

"We're not supposed to make changes at somebody's whim," Berlanga said. "It's a political agenda, and we're not here to follow a political agenda."

Board member Terri Leo, a Republican, said she was pleased with the publishers' changes. She had led the effort to get the publishers to change the texts, objecting to what she called "asexual stealth phrases" such as "individuals who marry."

"Marriage has been defined in Texas, so it should also be defined in our health textbooks that we use as marriage between a man and a woman," Leo said.

Texas lawmakers last year passed a law that prohibits the state from recognizing same-sex civil unions. The state already had a ban on gay marriage.

Neither publisher added all the changes Leo initially pushed for. For instance, one proposed passage in the teacher's editions read: "Opinions vary on why homosexuals, lesbians and bisexuals as a group are more prone to self-destructive behaviors like depression, illegal drug use, and suicide."

Randall Ellis, the executive director of the Lesbian/Gay Rights Lobby of Texas, said the board overstepped its bounds in suggesting and adopting the new wording.

"Their job is to review for factual information and instead what we see is the insertion of someone's ideology and agenda into the textbook of middle-schoolers," Ellis said.

The board's approval caps months of debate over health textbooks. Much of the debate had centered on how much sex education should be included in high school books.

A controversy arose last year in Texas when the board approved new biology textbooks that contained Charles Darwin's theory of evolution, brushing aside opposition from religious groups.

http://www.comcast.net/News/DOMESTIC/XML/1110_AP_Online_Regional___National__US_/b37c90b6-616a-45a8-bdd7-3486f60396b3.html

bush?!?!?!?!?!?!?  ...four more years.  half of this country is apparently retarded.

i wasn't in love with kerry either.  but at least he wasn't going to send this country backwards even further.  what the world must think of us now...

fucking bullshit.  at least kerry could've pulled off the popular vote or something.  kerry just wasn't the right choice for the dems to run.  hopefully we can get back on track and be ready by 2008????